Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Mom Jeans, Botox and Pets
This week I have been reading some blogs from couples that are in the process of adopting a first child. Couples who are so much like we were before our son joined us. DINKS with time to think about fabric swatches and paint choices, still actually being able to have a hobby and spur of the moment dates. It has gotten me to thinking about all the ways my life has changed since my name became Mommy or Riley's Mom or Macy's Mom.
Showers: Before kids I could not imagine skipping the daily ritual of getting up each morning, engaging in a long shower that included hair removal, exfoliating, deep moisturizing , aromatherapy and a little music. Then onto the 10 step makeup application, more aromatherapy.Now on occasion I have to skip it all together, even the bathing part and not feel particularly grossed out by it. I just tell myself I am doing my part in water and energy conservation.

Drive through windows- Before my two arrived I rarely if ever got food to go in a sack without ever leaving my car. No need to because just myself or with other adults we could go in anywhere, anytime and eat in a fast 15 minutes or take an hour and 15 minutes. Now, I have taught my children about "Car Picnics" which is driving through and eating in the car and on the move. The Micky D's Happy meal box makes this particularly easy. Just open the box, dump in the nuggets and fries and pass it back. I am not ashamed to say that sometimes I crave a cheeseburger or that there will be a Happy Meal with my name on it.

Jeans-Used to be tight and long were the only criteria. They were all straight legged. Now, oh my God, Oprah had a whole show dedicated to finding the perfect Jean. Flare, boot cut, straight, tapered. Low rise, mid rise. God FORBID you are wearing Mom Jeans. Mom Jeans, how much crueler could it get. You know, the jeans that actually go around your waist and cover your crack. It seems those comfy jeans of our youth now produce "front butt". As if I don't have enough things to beware of when trying not to embarrass my kids and if thinking about one butt isn't enough I now have two to ponder.

Laundry- I remember when we were just a family of two I would scour the house looking for enough laundry to fill the machine. I actually invented things to wash. I was thrilled if it needed to be hung to dry and blocked to dry, YEEHAW! Oh how I long for those days.
Now when I go into my laundry room, I yell out where is that family of midgets hiding that keeps giving me their laundry because no way the 4 of us have produced this much in the two days since I last caught up. Or maybe the neighbors are sneaking theirs in here to be washed and then sneaking back in during the time between when I fold it and actually put it away. Did you know that if you happen to forget and leave a load in the washer a little to long and it has that , ya know, smell starting and someone needs that whatever it is that of course is in that load ASAP that you can put it in the dryer and spray it a few times with Febreeze and it will be OK, unless you sweat in it, then all bets are off. I am saving for that new machine that washes and then dries your clothes all in one shabang.
Plastic surgery- Or that ever elusive chase to maintain our youth. When I was younger and had only myself to care for (Ok my husband too, but you get my drift) I was pretty much for doing anything you wanted to maintain that 20 something air about you. Face lift, butt lift, breast implants, liposuction, Botox all seemed OK and would more than likely be necessary one day.. Funny thing is now that I have two children and at the ripe old age of 46, I am not sure I buy into all that anymore. Shaving my legs these days gives me the same pampered feeling that a facial did 8 years ago. Mani/Pedi-No need, cutting my toe nails and slapping on some Burts Bees Coconut Foot Cream costs about .25 a pop and I'm good to go. Besides painting my finger or toe nails would just turn into doing the same to my wiggly impatient daughter who would insist on Jezebel Red instead of Ballet pink for hers. Best to just take the easy way out of that one.
Botox-Needles-No Brainer , I'll Pass.
Liposuction. Anyone getting a vacuum that strong so close to me better have it pointed at my floors or better yet between the cushions of my couch.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for self improvement and looking your best. It's just now its Ok if the outside is just holding up pretty well and the inside of me is the part I work on the most. I go to the gym and slather on face cream, serum, lotions and potions in the race against time. L'Oreal and my head have an intimate relationship, because I'm worth it and I have a 5 year old who insists I have Cinderella hair like hers. But I am proud of every day of my 46 years and quite frankly, every time I hear one of kids call me Mommy or tells me they love me , it takes months maybe even years off my face and hopefully adds them on to my life. As for my butt, well I hear they're making a comeback.
As long as I don't find Mom jeans in my closet and my breasts are still above my waist, I think I'll be just fine.
The Family Pet- My kids think its funny when I tell them that our poodle Bailey is really my first child. I have vacation and Christmas pictures I show them to prove it. A lot of couples like us practiced parenting first on a dog or cat. They take a similar unconditional love and daily care obligation as your children. We thought, well if we can keep our poodle safe, healthy and alive for this long, then maybe we can do the same for our child. Just kidding, we didn't really compare the two. Ok , we did but would never admit it. But now, two kids later and the poodle is still hanging in there. In fact I now think a dog or cat is mandatory to a Mom's sanity. Not because you will take any particular pride in being the one to feed them, take to the vet, let out on the cold mornings, bath when they roll around on the dead frog and cut the poop dingle berries from around the butt. But more importantly, my dog is the only one in my family that I can talk to who always agrees with me and never talks back. It is important for you to have at least someone in your house who can deliver that degree of worship and obedience, 100 % of the time. The cat, the fish nor the Hermit crabs (don't ask) don't fill the space that my first born, Bailey does. And since poodles can live to be up to 19 years it may once again be just the three of us like it was in the beginning.

For those of you with children, well you are already living the reality I have laid out before you. To those of you still making dinner reservations for two and having sex on the kitchen floor. More power to you because this too shall pass.
One day soon you will find yourself sitting at the drive through trying to convince your son that Sprite is the same as Coke, just no color and no caffeine or repeating the no ketchup rule on car picnics to your daughter as you sit there with hairy legs and the same clothes on for the second day wondering if you washed your hands after you gave a little Brazilian trim to the dog and did you leave the dryer on.
You will look in the mirror and say who is that woman looking back at me and how did she get to be so lucky. You will then drive home, pick up French fries from between the seats and feed them to the dog, wash your hands ,step barefoot on a Matchbox car and yell out a word that one of your kids will be sure and use properly in sentence when your husband gets home.
You can't buy that kind of excitement!
It is then that you will realize how boring life was before and how alive and even sometimes young, you feel now.
And that its time for another trip down the hair color aisle at Wal-Mart.


Anonymous friend from FRUA said...

Oh my gosh, we are the same person - but living separate lives, and you write a beautifully witty blog. I have a Jack Russell (8 yrs old), how old is Bailey? and I use Estee Lauder instead of L'Oreal.

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